Harmony Harperville
Harmony’s horrible advice

Aunt Tootsie from Toadville has been a nervous reck for the last few days. This fortune teller-obsessed Aunt of mine went to some old psychic bat, that informed her that her boyfriend Olav, who is a sailor, was rolling around in women somewhere in Africa. So poor Aunt Tootsie is completely miserable and totally depressed. She was so sure she could trust that guy. To make matters even worse, the fortune teller also told Aunt Tootsie that if she didn’t stop eaten all that chocolate, she could expect severe problems of a shady sort when Olav returned home. Aunt Tootsie was absolutely shocked and had difficulties in understanding these insulting implications, seeing that she has lost 4 whole pounds of 240 possible in the last five years and she’s quite proud of it. The poor old lady is in a horrible state. Mom and Dad have to put up with her crying hysterically every night. I on the other hand told her to stop whining and to erobics until her boyfriend’s return. I told her she should work out five times a week and preferrably on the weekends too if possible. Then she should walk about 18 miles both in the mornings and evenings. She should then eat only 3 of these meat flavoured cubes you put in soup about three times a day. I told her to also go to the sauna every afternoon amd drink about 15 liters of water a day while constantly doing breathing exercises in between drinks. If this wouldn’t melt about 60 pounds off in a jiffy then I told her to play some soccer and that she could have my old gym shoes if that made her feel any better. Aunt Tootsie followed my advice and quickly ended up in the hospital. Mom and Dad are furious at me and made me promise not to give any advice to friends or relatives in the nearest future. Well, I just can’t refrain from mentioning the fact that Aunt Tootsie managed to get through the whole program but I never told her to loose consciousness and end up in the hospital! That was something she came up with herself. I mean, that woman is so incredibly bossy and controlling! My best friend Joy says that my advice is excellent. Her brother Hallbert hasn’t dared to peek through the keyhole in her bedroom since I told her to put a straw through it every time she thought that creep was trying to spy on her. Poor girl was on the verge of running away from home because Hallbert had been giving the neighbourhood a thourough report on the size of her boobs from one day to the next. “My sister’s boobs have grown about an inch today, the growth rate seems to reach is peek after lunch though”. Can you imagen! The whole street was literally lining up by Joy’s keyhole when I came up with the brilliant straw idea. To tell the truth I think I saved her sanity, not to mention her boyfriend’s as well. Charlie, the nerd she was dating at the time, thought she was a sex maniac when he started hearing the stories from the neighbourhood. I really don’t think that it’s morally correct for me to stop giving advice since I obviously have my act together in those matters. God, I hope I will be discovered soon! I’m sooo cool. That’s for sure.
jrk